Back at school I walked into the computer lab and sat with the rest of my classmates who were also writing their speeches at the last minute. “It can be on anything”, she said. “It just has to be 4 minutes”. Fucken four minutes, hell, what can I wing for four minutes? I stared at a blank Word document. I could speak about my Middle Eastern trip? Wait, did that happen? Has that happened yet? I can’t remember. I remember now, I’m meant to be speaking on modern feminism and its relevance in society. That’s right. I start typing.

I remember I’ve finished High School. I finished it a long time ago. I remember Jase doesn’t steal cars. Well, that I know of.
I wake up still going over discussion points in my head for my imaginary speech. It would have been a good one. At least this dream wasn’t one of those ones where I’m wearing my school uniform again and all my other adult friends aren’t. Those ones are worse.

Tonight I would like to not dream about my imminent return to New Zealand.  However, if we have to go down that route for the again for the 100th time this week, can we make it slightly more cheerful.  You’re ruining my day.

Signed, Me.

He said no.

He had amazing adventures in lands so completely alien to him.  He said that, if he were to go home, “it would be like none of this ever happened.”

When I made the rash decision to move to the other side of the world, I had no idea that this one thing would haunt me so much.

I have had re-occurring nightmares.  In which I wake up, back at my home in New Zealand, back to everything I know and love so dearly, and having absolutely no recollection of how I got there.  I am scared.  I look around frantically for my boyfriend and he is not there.  I suddenly realise that my time on the other side of the world is over and I am back home, the place where I know I belong, but the place where I realise I can never go back to the life I’ve had before.  I see my family and demand to know how I got there, I can’t remember anything, I wasn’t ready yet, how, why. I am terrifyingly regretful of everything I have not seen and everything and everyone, I will never see again.

This is the hardest thing I have ever lived with.  The knowledge, that one day, this amazing adventure will all be over.  And I’ll return to my home, at the end of the world, and it will be like none of it had ever happened.  A distant memory that deteriorates to photographs and repeated stories that are told on instinct

I have around 9 months left here.  I mentally prepare myself for going home, I think about things I own and how I’ll have to post them back, I think about creating a career for myself at home, I think about the school I want to go to and the things I want to learn.  But it doesn’t matter.  I will never be ready to give this part of life up.

And sometimes, I am just so scared.

I think the reason I haven’t been writing is because my life sorta sucks right now.  Well, it doesn’t, that’s an exaggeration, but my work has decided that they will not renew my contract.  I got told last week.  I’m outta here on the 30th.  They told me that my recruitment agency is charging them a finders fee type thing and they don’t want to pay it.  So, sionara.  I think they’re trying to keep it quiet as well, because hey, people like me, or so the voices in my head tell me.  They probably didn’t count on me emailing everyone and being all, THEY’RE GETTING RID OF ME.

Good thing I made the decision a few months ago to stay at this job as long as possible, wouldn’t want to be caught out in the credit crunch right now.

Sometimes I can’t believe my luck.  I mean, almost every kiwi in some point of their life, goes overseas for their OE (overseas experience, for those not in the know).  The year I do it, the freaking economy collapses.  What the shit, ay.

Last night, my flatmate Sneaky and I, were discussing work and she mentioned someone had got fired at her work. I was like, hur, if you need anyone to work this weekend, I’m free!  Then we both laughed, because she’s a highly skilled hairdresser.

Then I was deadly serious and it got a bit awkward.

Whilst we’re still on the work thing, I had a dream last night about one of the younger Managers here.  It was one of *those ones* except it wasn’t me.  He was with a friend of mine I played basketball with in Highschool.  Nat and I sat in the next room trying our best not to listen and eventually we had to yell threats of busting in there with cameras to make them stop.

This morning he walked into work with a big smile, Hi Lilley! Yeesh, awkward dream life spills into real life and I can’t look at the guy anymore.

I am going to write about New Years at some point.  Possibly when I have fixed the red eyes out of our photos.

I dream a lot, very vividly, very scary, very real.  This morning it wasn’t so scary, but it was real enough to get me out of bed at 4am.  Tomorrow at work, I have a board meeting I have to organise the food for.  This morning I woke up and thought it was Tuesday.  I was like OMG I FORGOT TO BUY FOOD.  HOW DID I FORGET?  WHY DIDN’T I GO TO THE SHOP YESTERDAY?  I got out of bed and thought frantically, ok, ok.  How do I fix this.  How do I do this without anyone knowing.  What time does the supermarket open.  I turned on my laptop and fumbled around for a bit… I was still half asleep.  I looked at the time.  It was 4am.  I swung my mouse over the little task tray.  It said Monday.  I am a dick.

I tried to get back to sleep but the anxiety of “forgetting to get food” was still there and it took me ages to nod off again.  I think I got another half an hour of sleep in before I had to get up.

So the rest of the morning pretty much went ok.  I got on the tube.  I played my Nintendo.  I finally arrived at Kings Cross, the station I switch tubes at to get to work.

As we approached… it looked a bit weird.  There were no people.

There were also sirens going off.

The train stopped, but the doors didn’t open.  I could hear a loud mechanical voice coming out the speakers in the station.  “PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY.  PLEASE EVACUATE THE BUILDING IMMEDIATELY”.

“Fuck.”  I thought.  The doors stayed closed.  “Sorry folks”, the train driver announced.  “Looks like no ones getting off here.  Next stop, Caledonian Road.”

I depend on the tube so much.  Without it, I’m lost. Not just lost.  But really lost.  As in, stranded.  I followed the crowd out on to the street and made a mental note to never go to Caledonian Road again for a visit.  It was rough as guts.

3 buses later (I went the wrong direction on one of them for about 4 stops) I finally got to work an hour late.  Now, at least I can go to the supermarket to pick up the food for tomorrow.

Quick note: I’ve no idea why the station was being evacuated.  I figured it was a bomb scare.

A long time ago, I had this weird dream. I was in this completely foreign city with random people who told me we were in Romania. I can’t remember the details exactly and when I woke up, I remember thinking that was quite cool. Maybe I should randomly go there, I thought.

I told Georgie about it and it became a bit of a joke between us. In my frequent “I’VE LOST THE WILL TO LIVE” emails I used to send her whilst at work we’d always be like, fuck this, let’s go to Romania.

A couple of weeks down the track, Georgie told me, “You are not going to believe this. [Our friend] is moving overseas, because her boyfriend got another job. Guess where she’s going”
“Clearly, all signs point to Romania” I told her.

So then “All signs point to Romania” was a common sentence in our conversations. As we were planning the trip to London, we were always planning to visit Romania as well. When we got here, Georgie managed to grab a good job in Germany and we left our flat that we were sharing. I found a flat on the net with some random (well, not so random now) med students and moved in. I asked Marcelo where he was from. “Oh, k, this is a long story. My accent is Swedish but I’m half Peruvian and half Romanian. NO WAY.

Icing on the cake, he had planned a trip for the summer through Romania. So hells yea, I’m tagging along too. Because, I can no longer explain SO MANY coincidences. Maybe something good will happen. Maybe something bad will. Maybe nothing will. I dunno, but I’m so excited to finally go there.

To my friend Turtle, I am so sorry!!

<Tigerlilley> TURTLE
<Tigerlilley> I hear you are coming to Englandia?
<turtle_molester> Flights to London purchased.   Time for work
<Tigerlilley> To drink with Tigerlilley?
<turtle_molester> yep
<Tigerlilley> OOH
<turtle_molester> lol
<Tigerlilley> dates?
<turtle_molester> 6/19 to 6/23
<Tigerlilley> ok
<Tigerlilley> just so you know
<Tigerlilley> Where I come from, both England and NZ, you write DAY then MONTH
<Tigerlilley> You are DOING IT RONG.
<turtle_molester> AHHH
<turtle_molester> i hate that
<turtle_molester> confuses me
<hamstar> haha you tell em tiger
<DicWork> Well We're in AMERICA
<Tigerlilley> hang on
<Tigerlilley> the 6th
<Tigerflower> wasn't that last month?
<DicWork> ... yes it was
<Tigerlilley> YOU'RE TRAVELLING BACK IN TIME?
<turtle_molester> yeah i mean 7
<turtle_molester> i am behind
<Tigerlilley> no fucking way
<Tigerlilley> turtle
<Tigerlilley> my heart is broken
<Tigerlilley> <-- Romania 18th to the 30th
<Brando|work> pwnt
<DicWork> EPOCH FAIL
<Brando|work> lol
<Tigerlilley> :'(
<Brando|work> wow never seen someone get jewed so bad
<Brando|work> yet, there it is
<DicWork> he's flying ALL THE WAY to london.
<DicWork> and you have to trounce off to romania
<DicWork> thats not nice :P
<Tigerlilley> Yea but
<Tigerlilley> I want to see him
<Tigerlilley> holy shit
<Tigerlilley> his dates couldn't be MORE FAIL
<turtle_molester> yes
<turtle_molester> lol
<turtle_molester> could only do those dates
<Tigerlilley> I am actually guttered
<turtle_molester> cause it only costs me $138
<Tigerlilley> seriously
<RavenDotFish> why the hell are you going to Romania?