What’s up women, haven’t heard from you in ages. Freezing your ass off over there?

From: Lilley
To: Zara
Re: (no subject)
Mon, Feb 8, 2010

It was ok for the last week and then it started snowing again today, randomly, actually.

Well last week has been average to poor.

Basically, our sewer pipe exploded and our back yard filled up with human shit.  Then our crazy Egyptian landlady and her equally crazy English husband came round and screamed at each other whilst they stuffed long poles down the pipe trying to clean it.  Shortly after that, our boiler exploded and the heating and hot water went out.  So they came back round and screamed at each other whilst trying to fix it but it was so broke that they could only just get the heating going.  We then had to ring them everyday for 9 DAYS whilst we didn’t have hot water so no dishes, no washing clothes and no SHOWERS.  I had to go to friends houses to wash.  After a few failed attempts at fixing the boiler my flatmates blew up at them and asked for rent off, to which they replied, “why you not just put water on the stove and have a bath”.  Funnily enough, I’ve tried that once before.  Due to the lack of hot water to wash the pots properly, and the fact it took me an hour and a half to get the bath to ankle deep, I then ended up having a bath accompanied by stray bits of pasta and other assorted foods.  The heating stops working again.  Finally, they actually spent money on getting a real plumber round who announced that once again, there was something wrong with the sewer pipe.  They left the kitchen door open whilst they stuffed pipes down the hole to unblock it, spraying human shit into our kitchen and all over Elliot and Marcelo’s washing.  Next, they inexplicably filled the bathtub up to “test something”.  When they pulled the plug out, the water burst the pipe under the bath and it continued to drain through the ceiling into the kitchen.  They had to cut the electricity because of all the water on the light sockets and behind the fridge.

Just to go over the main facts here, we had no electricity, no heating, no hot water and faeces particles in our flooded kitchen.

I decided at this point that the best course of action was to take the Valium that I bought in Egypt and slept for 2 days until it was over.

And that is a 100% true story.

From: Zara
To: Lilley
(no subject)
Wed, Feb 10, 2010

That story cracks me up, i read it ALL the time. I showed it to Sash and she was in tears.
Anymore funny stories for me?

***

MY LIFE, HUR.

After the whole We’ve cancelled your card due to someone using it in Canada, oh no wait, maybe it was because your mail was being returned, whoops sorry we sent your pin number to your mum in New Zealand because the system hasn’t updated your new address yet, which then lead to the Crying Like a Dumped 13 Year Old In Front of Managing Director After Being Forced to Borrow Money for 2 Weeks episode, I thought my troubles with HSBC were over.

As it happens, no. No, they are not.

A week of stress and panic which incidentally, has led to me develop an eye twitch, occurred whilst trying to find a flat. Finally, I found one and have organized mine and my flatmates deposits. 6 weeks rent + 1 month in advance + £376 Agency fee thosemotherfuckers. I rang the bank to let them know a large amount of cash would be withdrawn from my account. “Well ok”, HSBC told me. “We can flag your account so you can make the transaction without your card being stopped”. Great, I thought.
“Please make the transaction in the next 10 – 15 minutes.”
Hold up, no. That’s not cool. This is my money, my account, furthermore I can’t make the real estate office process the transaction in 10 minutes. “Yes, we do this to prevent fraud.” How is it fraud if I’m ringing you NOW to tell you that I’m going to pay a freaking deposit? “Ahh, ok, well, um, you have one day.”

This morning my real estate agent rang me to say my card had declined. So on the phone once again, to HSBC. “Please take the freaking stop off my card. I told you yesterday I’d be making this transaction.” “I’m sorry Miss Lilley, we do this to prevent fraud.” “It’s not fraud when I’M TELLING YOU THE TRANSACTION IS GOING TO HAPPEN.” “Of course, the stop has been taken off your card.”

Not quite over yet.

About half an hour ago, my real estate agent rung me again. “Lilley, I’m sorry, your card has declined again. Are you sure you have the money on there?” Holy mother of…

On the phone, once again to satan HSBC. “YOU’VE STOPPED MY CARD AGAIN. AGAIN! THAT’S TWICE IN ONE DAY. STOP STOPPING MY FUCKING CARD.” “Our apologies Miss Lilley, I will need to put you through to Fraud Prevention.” ARGGGGGH.

“Hello Miss Lilley, I’d like to inform you that a large transaction was attempted…”
“By a real estate agency? Could it be, the real estate agency trying to take money for the deposit that I’ve told you about 3 times now? Could it be? TAKE THE FUCKING STOP OFF MY CARD AND KEEP IT OFF.”
“Well you must understand, the system puts a stop on…”

By the end of that phonecall I think she was in tears before she trembled “bye” and hung up. I have no remorse.

About half an hour after I sent this email, they cancelled my card for the 3rd time. By this stage I had my entire office entertained and listening in on my increasingly violent phone conversations. 2 HSBC managers later, my real estate agent finally got the cash.

Sorry for the meltdown. Bad day :( The crying in front of the Managing Director was really embarrassing, especially when he said “come up to my office, I’ll give you £50″.

So just found out that even though HSBC told me that my card will have the same pin number as the old one, they lied. I didn’t forget it like I thought. They changed it. As I had requested the other day, they sent me out my new pin.

To New Zealand. My mum just called.

She was laughing at the wee black and white slip, saying this is what they used to do in the olden days.

So I’m mega pissed now, rung the complaints department and they told me, oh, your card was cancelled because your statements were being returned, we don’t have your address. I asked, why didn’t you call me? You have my number. You have my email address. Furthermore, you told me originally my card was cancelled because someone tried to access funds in CANADA.

HSBC don’t call, don’t email. It’s to prevent fraud you see.

So why did you send my pin to NZ? I changed my address!! You have my new address!

Oh sorry, the system hasn’t been updated yet.

HSBC are satan.

Hey everyone,
Yeap, I’ve been pretty slack with the emailage, sorry about that heh.

So far things are going really well. I don’t really miss any of you, maybe just my dog a little bit.

Just kidding, I miss everyone HEAPS but I’ve met some really great people here. I’m living with 4 cute med students who are hilarious and heaps of fun. The flat reminds me of Camp Bligh in terms of it being very cosy and things except it’s missing tyres and car parts in the lounge. I’m living in er… well I don’t actually know the suburb,neither does my flatmate, but we figure we’re somewhere inbetween Hammersmith and Fulham. Because they’re students, I’ve been drinking at the uni with them, cuz ya know, can’t go wrong with 80p vodkas.

I had my first week of work last week, I’m an office admin for a publishing company. They print businessy newspapers. I can’t believe anyone would read that bollox to be honest. I’m also doing accounts work which is a really great idea because as you all know, I’m amazing at maths. :-/

My flatmate took me out to see Buckingham Palace, Trafalgar Square and other assorted tourist traps yesterday. George Bush was arriving that day so there were protests all round the place. Naturally, we grabbed a sign and joined in. A lady told me that the Illuminati were poisoning my cigarettes with opium so I’d go blind and deaf. I think she was at the wrong protest. All of a sudden, all these people were taking photos of me. My flatmate whispered that it was because I was sitting under a Nelson Mandela statue holding myanti-war sign by his arms. To be honest I hadn’t even noticed.

Got plans for Ireland and Scotland soon, can’t wait.

x Lilley

The first one, was I was put on some sort of parents group thing for a school. “I’m worried about meningitis”, a lady wrote. “My child has told me she shares drink bottles with (child’s name who is apparently my kid) and I think we need to explain to them the dangers about sharing drinks”. I wrote back saying she had the wrong email. She replied with an apology. But she kept emailing me. All this crap about parents get-togethers and what our kids were doing at school. It finally stopped when I told her I don’t actually have any children, because I hate them.

Another lady emailed me asking if I could come pick her up for church. “My husband and sons are out”, she explained. “So I can’t get there”. I wrote back telling her that she should call her sons immediately and tell them to come back home to take her out. “Oh, but they are grown up you see, they have families of their own now! I am an 85 year old woman so I can’t drive myself anymore”. It took me 5 (polite, I promise) emails to explain to her, that no, I am not the guy she thought I was and yes, it is possible to email someone who doesn’t live in America. She couldn’t believe she had emailed New Zealand. Fancy that!

The other day I got a weird email from some woman giving me the link to her blog so I could keep updated on her trip. I deleted it, because I am once again on some sort of mailing list I’m not meant to be on.

Tonight, I have received a thank you email from Blogtripwoman, for house sitting and looking after Muffin. She forwarded me 4 pages of details on her house, her dog Muffin, where her keys are, phone numbers etc. I wrote back:

Hello,
Thank you for your email. I have no idea who you are, but your house sounds lovely. I can’t believe you have 3 compost bins. How on earth do you go through that much disposable trash?

Have fun on your holiday,

Tigerlilley

Also, if you happen to find this blog, random lady, I think you are mean for shutting your TV services off. What’s your housesitter meant to watch now, hmm?

From: Reception
Sent: Tuesday, 1 April 2008 8:49 AM
To: All Staff
Subject: Auck Office closed today due to the freak snow storm. Reps avail on cell.

From: Reception
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:03 AM
To: All Staff
Subject: RE: Auck Office closed today due to the freak snow storm. Reps avail on cell.

See what happened when you leave your desk to make a cup of coffee, I will get the boys back for this.
They have not heard the last of this.

From: Lilley
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:24 AM
To: Jeremy; Steve; Nat
Subject: Ok you guys

Nat and I were totally taken in by the snow storm thing. Nat was looking on stuff.co.nz for mention on it and I was going to txt a friend and be like REALLY? A SNOW STORM?!

From: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, 1 April 2008 9:38 a.m.
To: Lilley; Jeremy; Nat
Subject: RE: Ok you guys

You 2 have the same colour hair too…

From: Natalie
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:40 AM
To: Steve; Lilley; Jeremy
Subject: RE: Ok you guys

I was really shocked and amazed! you guys suck!

From: Jeremy
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:38 AM
To: Lilley; Steve
Subject: RE: Ok you guys

Hahahahaha I can’t believe you fell for that!

From: Lilley
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:44 AM
To: Jeremy; Steve
Subject: RE: Ok you guys

:(
My brain doesn’t work until midday!

From: Steve
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:48 AM
To: Jeremy; Lilley
Subject: RE: Ok you guys

jeremy, lets go out and make another snowwoman…

From: Jeremy
Sent: Tuesday, April 01, 2008 9:49 AM
To: Steve; Lilley
Subject: RE: Ok you guys

We can’t Steve…the door is covered in 6 foot of snow, I guess we could jump out the windows?

——

Dammit, lol.

Georgie has been in contact with two people this week, one from gumtree.co.uk, the other from moveflat.co.uk. I thought I’d blog our ordeal, because after a quick scan on google, we could only find one other instance of this.

The first “girl” Noemi, started out ok. n.moreno070@googlemail.com

Hello there,

I am sorry i couldn’t get back to you earlier than this.i was waiting to get a hold of the rental contract so i can send to you.

Please find attached the rental contract.Read and see if you agree with the terms and conditions.

You will also need to pay the refundable security deposit so i can issue you a receipt.I hope this can be arranged within the shortest possible time.

Then we got this:

I am also sending some details about myself.Hope this will give you an insight to who i am.I don’t have a picture on this computer so i am sending you a scan of my dn,there is a small picture on it so you can at least see my face.

She then listed everything, weight, star sign, religion, marital status, personality traits and preferences in music. “Oh HELL NO” I told Georgie. “She’s into rap. We can’t live with her”. The photo she sent certainly was small. It was more an icon than a photo.

We told her that as we are in New Zealand and cannot view the flat ourselves, we would send Georgies uncle round to have a look. Should of been ok right? No. She wanted the deposit first:

I really have to take a decision in the next few days so i can know what to say to the other people.The problem here is that i can’t wait till next weekend which is the earliest time i can meet your uncle to take a decision so hopefully,we can sort something out in the next few days.If you are able to send the last page of the contract and also make payment,then i can be sure how to handle this.

It was about this point where Georgie got suspicious. We tried to call her on the phone numbers she gave us. Neither of us could even get a ringing tone. <

N.b…My mobile is off right now as it fell in water.I am drying right now so i will turn it on later today.Meanwhile,you can send me your number so i can call you also.It will be a pleasure to add a voice to your name.

We got a friend in London to call the cellphone. A man answered… he sounded a bit caught in the headlights.

You got my brother on the phone this morning while i was in a meeting.He told me you didn’t leave a name so i did know it was you until now.

Yea, we should of given up by now. But this flat looked so good. Then she suddenly knocked 20pounds off rent a week. This is the email we got regarding the deposit

All you need do is go to any money gram or western union outlet with my details…… and make the payment.You will be given a transfer code which you will email to me.As this is my call,i accept the transfer cost so you can either take the transfer cost out of what you are sending or come with the receipt so i can return it to you.

We told her we weren’t cool with that. So she suggested this:

Meanwhile,the best i can do to make you feel secured about this is that you can wire the deposit to your uncle instead and just send me a scan of the receipt so i can confirm the transfer.When i confirm this,then i can be sure you are committed to this.

Sounded kosher. Not quite. The minute “she” got the deposit receipt, all she’d need to do was pretend to be Georgies uncle to pick up the cash. She’d have all his details from that receipt. If she had had more offers on the flat, she would have taken them by now. We’d fucked around with this for a week. I guess there is small satisfaction in wasting their time. We told her again no, and her emails got a little bit more desperate.

In as much as i understand your position,it seem very unfair that i should be judged by the standard of cheats.I have told you that if you are not comfortable with western union,you can make use of money gram which i have used a couple of times without any problem.you will just send through the transfer code,sender’s and receiver’s name so i can confirm.The other consideration i can give to make you comfortable is that you can send just one deposit for now.That way the risk is reduced for you.All other issues can then be sorted out with your uncle on Saturday.I have done the best i can in this situation.I appreciate your interest and i hope this can be sorted out today.If this doesn’t work for you however,i wish you all the best in your search and i will be more than glad to meet you when you arrive in London.

Yeap. Time to tell her to go fuck herself.

Email Number 2 from Bruce. bcbrucecharles@gmail.com

I am giving this flat away just because no one is making use of the house at the moment. and i hate to see it dirty every time. Its better for me to let it out to someone who will make it clean and tidy. I hope you understand this. Well, Viewing the house is not a problem. But i will like you to do a thing. I guess you will understand this. It’s in the policy my Lawyer has told me and i wish to abide by it. I won’t get any money from you now. So you will do a thing to make me believe you really need the Apartment.I have been fooled several times and I had to travel a long journey with my Lawyer to meet people who wants to view my property and at the end of the day they tell me they want to stay in the apartment for a month before they would pay me. I don’t want this to happen to me again so My Lawyer has advised me that I have to be sure that who so ever is renting my property should be capable of paying the cost of the rent.

You will go to the nearest WESTERN UNION MONEY TRANSFER around you,Send to your Friend send the sum 1100pounds in western union. The money is still within you. I am not ready to get money from you as i have said. All I need to see is the western union money transfer copy of receipt giving to you. Scan the western union receipt and send it as an attachment to my email just for me to view it and be sure you are ready to get the Flat. after viewing the house, and you really like it, You can go together to the western union location agent or bank around here to get the 1100 pounds back and we can reach an agreement on how you will move into the Flat. I will pay back to you the charges you will be using in sending the money in western union. If you don’t understand, Here is an examples of how to do it….

GAH. Thanks Bruce. I’ve signed your email address up to a donkey porn site as a thankyou for your email.

Hello
Thank you for taking the time to contact us about this matter and for using Bebo.

The experience of our users is carefully guarded and every interaction on Bebo matters. Your experience as a user has always, and will always, be paramount.

At this time, we are conducting a trial – this is something that we do from time to time and allows us to continue to innovate and ultimately offer you a better Bebo experience.

We apologize that on this occasion you feel that your experience has been adversely affected and really appreciate your feedback on this matter.

I will ensure that your comments are forwarded on to the Development Team.

Once again thank you.

Kindest Regards
(Persons name)

What I actually wrote to them:

What the hell is that advertisement on my profile?
You guys are hardcore selling out.

I wouldn’t have even bothered replying to that.

As I’ve mentioned, I’ve moved back home to my parents place. There are certain things my mother does that just makes no sense at all to me. At all.

First example:
I had a pair of jeans lying on my bed. I knew where they were. I knew I wanted to wear them today. This morning I got up and they’re GONE. I spent 20 frustrating minutes pulling my hair out tryna find them. Know where they were? My wardrobe. My mother puts my clothes away. I’d forgotten about this. The wardrobe! Of all places! I’d have never of looked there! That’s not where I put them! Same with my shoes. My shoes sit in a pile nearish the door or in my room. Even though it’s not considered “Organised” in a traditional sense I know where they are. Although, in all fairness, with the arrival of Puppy, the shoes thing is a bit more chaotic because he likes to hide them.

Second example:
I had a empty glass next to my bed. I knew it was there, and I was glad for it because it meant I didn’t have to go back downstairs (waking puppy up) to get another one. I get to my room and it’s GONE. Again. My Mum hones in on empty dishes faster than a homing pigeon. In fact, even as I’m making sandwiches, the bread and butter is back in the pantry before I’ve even used it. I caught her tipping out a full glass of juice that I hadn’t even sipped yet, because I’d abandoned it for 30 seconds.

Now don’t get me wrong. I’m not a total slob, I enjoy living in a tidy house. But my idea of organised is no where near anything my parents would even consider. See I figure, Mothers have some sort of built in function that is overly logical. I run on organised chaos. Apparently you’re meant to grow out of this but hey, I’m 22 now and I just don’t think it’s going to happen.

My mother is determined to turn me into a true adult. If I had a dollar for every time I’d heard the following sentences I’d be holidaying in Hawaii by now.
“Boys don’t like girls who spend their free time playing video games”
“Boys don’t like girls who don’t dress up” – By this she means wear dresses and lace and pretty girly stuff. I dress up. I wear dresses. Just not everyday. They’re impractical. If I trip over something or there is a big gust of wind – do I want everyone in the general vicinity to see my knicker? I do not. (Poor Georgie had a classic Dress-Up-Round-The-Ears-Incident in front of a car yard full of salesmen not so long ago).
This, and references to my lipring.

I also can’t cook. This isn’t for lack of trying. It’s because kitchen appliances hate me.

I feel the video games call is a little unfair. I mean, come on, some of you guys must agree with me, video games aren’t just for kids anymore. What do normal adults do instead of playing video games? They watch TV. How is this any different? Sheesh.

Amen to that.

I received the following email from Georgie:

i got stalked!!!!
Was at the post shop paying my rego, posting something and paying off my phone bill.
Phone bill thing is bad you have to say your number i.e  021 XXX XXXX
worst thing is there was someone at the cashier next to me… get back to work and HELLO

there is a message on my phone:
“Hi, was just standing next to you in the post shop. Your very beautiful :o) would you be interested in coffee sometime?
Dave

OH THE NERVE!

HILARIOUS.  Who does that?  In all fairness Georgies phone number is quite easy to remember, however who memorizes someones number standing next to them in the post shop?

After a brief girls meeting (with input from Dad) we’ve come up with some options.  Let it just be known that all 5 of us girls will be involved, because hey, random dates are funny.

1) Agree to meet up with him, then hide in the corner to check out what he’s like since Georgie can’t remember. – Emmas idea.
2) Ask him for a pxt first, to prove he’s not a 50 year old crazy man. – My idea.
3) Send him a old fat picture and tell him it was her Grandmas bill she was paying – Dads idea.
4) Tell him “I’ll pass on the coffee but I’ll take you up on casual sex” – Zaras idea.
5) Tell him to Fuck Off STALKER STALKER STALKER. – Georgies idea.

Got to give the guy credit for having the balls to do that I spose.   Haha will keep this updated.