Kiwi Shot

So here is a bit of a diary entry I wrote perhaps about 3 weeks before leaving London.  Since this blog has taken a turn for the emo, I might as well post it.  I guess it’ll be my last post under the category of Life in London.  I’ll follow this one up with a NOW IN NZ, LIFE SUCKS, JUST AS I SUSPECTED IT WOULD post later.

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It’s the hardest thing in the world – starting life again.  I suppose that is a dramatic way to describe it but that is what it truly feels like.  The hardest part right now is the nights.  Every night I lie awake terrified of my impending parting and the morning I’ll wake up alone on the other side of the world with London already becoming a fading memory.  I wonder if this was this hard for the other thousands of NZers who have done this before me.  My old Kiwi flatmate was ready to go home.  She woke up one morning, booked a flight home and as far as I can tell, has never looked back.  I wish I was ready.

It was easier the first time.  I was ready to leave NZ, no doubt in my mind.  When my friend told me she was planning to go to England for a bit, would I like to come along? I said yes without even really thinking about it.  We left 4 months after that conversation.  The hardest part was simply just learning how to live again.  Learning to carry cash because London doesn’t do freaking anything electronically like we do.  Trying to make sense of prices, what supermarkets were called, finding new friends, a flat, a job.  It didn’t take long for everything to click into place.  Initially, I missed a lot of things.  I missed mostly the food in NZ.  I missed my family (sort of).  I missed my best friend and my dog.  I got frustrated at not being able to drink the tap water without getting sick.  I thought it tasted like dishwashing liquid and it certainly felt thicker.  I can’t taste that anymore.

I wonder now what I’ll miss the most from London.  My friends, of course, I’m not looking forward to watching life continue on without me via Facebook.  I’m going to miss Pole Dancing.  I’m going to miss Amazon, the indignity of actually having to leave the house to buy comics depresses me.  I’m going to miss the tube and London’s minimal effort public transport.  I’m going to miss the travelling.  That having something to work for.

In a few weeks I will be starting life again for the second time.  Except this time, I’m not sure that I know exactly how to do it.