Flatmate:  “We’ve no hot water again”
Me:  “What? Why? Is the boiler on?”
Flatmate:  “Yes, the boiler looks fine.  It’s the burst pipe coming out of the ground that seems to be the problem”
Me:  “…”
Flatmate:  “Come have a look at the ankle deep pond in the backyard.  We’re now growing moss on the concrete”

****

Landlord:  “Right, uh, well, this is quite a serious problem.  I’m going to have to dig up the concrete to get to the pipe.  I can’t do this tonight, will have to be tomorrow morning.  I’ve turned the mains off so no water for tonight.
Me: “How do we go to the bathroom?”
Landlord:  “I…uh…the bathroom?”
Me (helpfully): “Yes, I need to use it.”
Landlord: “Um…well…”

10 minutes of blank staring later

Landlord: “Yes, um…”
Marcelo: “Perhaps we could all pee outside in the new pond on the concrete.”
Landlord is now clearly trying to agree this was a funny joke and not actually a solution.
Flatmate: “Why don’t you tell us how to turn the mains back on and we’ll have pitstops throughout the night.”
Landlord: “Oh, yes, great, good idea”.

ARRRGHHHH

UPDATE:

Just when I think I can no longer hold it in, I trek outside to try turn on the water mains.  I open the wee hatch thing and stare into a pitch black hole in the concrete, trying to get up the courage to stick my hand down there to turn or switch something I cannot see.  The BIGGEST and LONGEST worm I have ever seen in my LIFE comes slithering out and I watch it for a few minutes, dry retch, go back inside and consider killing myself.