Kiwi Shot

From: Zara
To: Lilley
(no subject)
Mon, Feb 8, 2010

What’s up women, haven’t heard from you in ages. Freezing your ass off over there?

From: Lilley
To: Zara
Re: (no subject)
Mon, Feb 8, 2010

It was ok for the last week and then it started snowing again today, randomly, actually.

Well last week has been average to poor.

Basically, our sewer pipe exploded and our back yard filled up with human shit.  Then our crazy Egyptian landlady and her equally crazy English husband came round and screamed at each other whilst they stuffed long poles down the pipe trying to clean it.  Shortly after that, our boiler exploded and the heating and hot water went out.  So they came back round and screamed at each other whilst trying to fix it but it was so broke that they could only just get the heating going.  We then had to ring them everyday for 9 DAYS whilst we didn’t have hot water so no dishes, no washing clothes and no SHOWERS.  I had to go to friends houses to wash.  After a few failed attempts at fixing the boiler my flatmates blew up at them and asked for rent off, to which they replied, “why you not just put water on the stove and have a bath”.  Funnily enough, I’ve tried that once before.  Due to the lack of hot water to wash the pots properly, and the fact it took me an hour and a half to get the bath to ankle deep, I then ended up having a bath accompanied by stray bits of pasta and other assorted foods.  The heating stops working again.  Finally, they actually spent money on getting a real plumber round who announced that once again, there was something wrong with the sewer pipe.  They left the kitchen door open whilst they stuffed pipes down the hole to unblock it, spraying human shit into our kitchen and all over Elliot and Marcelo’s washing.  Next, they inexplicably filled the bathtub up to “test something”.  When they pulled the plug out, the water burst the pipe under the bath and it continued to drain through the ceiling into the kitchen.  They had to cut the electricity because of all the water on the light sockets and behind the fridge.

Just to go over the main facts here, we had no electricity, no heating, no hot water and faeces particles in our flooded kitchen.

I decided at this point that the best course of action was to take the Valium that I bought in Egypt and slept for 2 days until it was over.

And that is a 100% true story.

From: Zara
To: Lilley
(no subject)
Wed, Feb 10, 2010

That story cracks me up, i read it ALL the time. I showed it to Sash and she was in tears.
Anymore funny stories for me?

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MY LIFE, HUR.