Cooking Fail

Yet another copypasta from an email I sent home, but I’ll elaborate.

As I’ve mentioned a few times, I am the world’s worst cook.  I hate cooking.  Even when presented with a recipe I’m still crap.  My friend Assmitten posts lovely food blogs about freshly picked plums and mushrooms, her amazing dinner creations, all of which I am very jealous and love reading.  Ironically, I am the world’s biggest fan of the cooking channel.  I’ll watch and get very hungry and think oh wow, that wasn’t too hard, and then I’ll go make myself cheese and marmite on toast.

Because I am constantly being fed by my flatmates, I decided I would finally wow them into thinking maybe I can actually create some sort of meal, that isn’t out of a can or cooked by toaster.

So I flick through recipes on the internet, as I often do (for fun), and decided on an Asian type stir-fry rice thingy.  I’ve never cooked rice before, but hey, you just chuck that shit in a pot right?  I trotted off to the supermarket and brought REAL uncooked food for once.  As opposed to sandwich making stuffs and milk.

It started off alright. I followed the recipe, I read the label on the side of the rice packet.

This is one of those moments where I realised that probably everyone in the world knows that rice suddenly multiplies into 5x more than what you originally put in the pot.  These kind of learnings would have been nice to know beforehand.

20 minutes later, whatever was in that pot may have been rice in its past life except once I was done with it, it had turned into a gelatinous gloop of FAIL.  Panicking, and thankful that no one else was home, my first thought was to HIDE ALL EVIDENCE except somehow I’d managed to cook up like 5 kg of the stuff.

There was sticky rice everywhere.

The rubbish bags felt like they were full of bricks.  I swept the floor twice.  I cleaned the sink twice.  I picked at bits of rice that had lodged themselves permanently into my socks.  I cleaned the top of the oven.  I caused a really bad blockage in the sink which I’m now hoping will go away and no one will notice.  I destroyed a pot AND a wok. I have no IDEA how I managed to also get raw egg in the salt shaker.  How the hell does egg even get through those wee holes?

So I’m back to Ye Olde Soup and Toast.